There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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