Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
