That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
