i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
