Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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