Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
