Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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