I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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