I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
