don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
