Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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