I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
