I accidentally had phone sex last night
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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