When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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