There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
