I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
