Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
