We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
