We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
