i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
