omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
