I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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