I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
