Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
