I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
