I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
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If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
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I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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