im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
