her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
