Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
