girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
