he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
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she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
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She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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