I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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