I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize