Yo dont text me then not text me
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
