my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
