I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
