She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
