Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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