I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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