Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
