She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
