Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
