in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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