I think my fart just growled at me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
