just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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