just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
