they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
