walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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