It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
