I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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