I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
