New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Enjoy the penises
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
